It has been some time since I sat down with the intent of writing a new thing, allowing the truth in me about my life to flow. My life has been in flux, many changes and new realizations. Truth can be painful, the truth about myself is much easier to ignore than embrace. What is this truth? Even now as it flows from me the distastefulness of owning this part of me begs leave to be heard.
I’ve been dealing with feelings of depression, anger, and the urgent desire to lash out at… what? Will I ever allow myself to know what is driving me? Must I continue blindly on with all this emotional confusion never knowing why?
Both my parents are now dead. My Father passed a few months ago, my mother nearly 10 years ago. My initial reaction is good riddance to all the badness they created. Watching the lives of my siblings, each one so broken, yet they seem so unaware of the evil done to them. The insidiousness of our parents’ refusal deal with their emotional issues infected each of us. Spending our formative years in constant company with these emotionally sick adults warped our perceptions making what a heathy individual would understand to be atrocious behavior a common place occurrence in our lives. Our children and grandchildren are showing the twisted brokenness of a soul misused and abused. Who has done this to these little ones.
The healing that has come into my life over the past 30 years has not been achieved without cost. The biggest cost has been that of discovering or at least to some degree discovering how deep the rabbit hole of debauchery extends within my family. I’ve also learned a few things about broken people; as long as they are comfortable in their lives, regardless how broken, they will refuse to change or acknowledge their need for change. More often than not the pain of life must become overwhelming before we are driven to our knees or to the office of a qualified counselor.
The loss of the intimate ties of family became necessary as my healing journey has emotionally separated me from the people and environment I grew up in. Conversation topics and daily occurrences that were once common have become unbearably distasteful. Those who have failed to work on themselves no longer fit in my life. They are missed.
There are no easy answers or fitting tripe replies to smooth over these issues. The loss is real. The inability to help is frustrating. The Serenity prayer so many have used seems fitting here but still of no real help. Yes, I accept the thing I cannot change. The wisdom to know the difference came years ago. The only person I can truly affect or change is me. The changes in my life have served to irritate those who refuse to work on themselves while attracting those who have.
So why the depression and anger? My life is good, I’ve been so blessed. The death of my father opened a door to the past allowing a flood of its badness to wash into my life. I’ve been awash in all the “should haves” and “could have’s”. Time to let it all go once again, shut the door, and move on.
My healing Journey continues, part of my healing process was done when I shared my story, Whatever Good May Come. The Book is available as an Audio, Kindle or Paperback copy.