Author: Dara Dietz

No one is with anyone anymore.  It used to be fun watching how people interacted together but those days are gone.  I was watching a lively group of friends exit the same car each was talking or texting, completely ignoring the society surrounding them.  Over and over again it was the same, setting at tables in the restaurant whole families, each member silently tapping away on their cell phones.  Everyone seemed to have something to say just not, apparently, to anyone at their table.

What has amazed me is no one appears offended or embarrassed.  Ignoring present company would seem to be downright rude or at the least in poor taste, unless all in company share an unspoken agreement.  This would seem to be the case.

A single friend beginning a new relationship shared how her date spent the entire evening texting or talking on his cell phone but still expected the rewards of an intimate date.  No connection required. Have we stopped showing up even for the fun stuff?

Life is all about showing up.   How many of us have stopped showing up.  Wherever we are we’re on the cell texting or talking.  Life is happening right in front of us but we miss it because we are looking down.  We are somewhere else.  How boring is it to have someone in your pocket 24\7.  There is nothing new to share when you are side by side breathing the same air.

Maybe I’m old fashioned but I remember how much fun it used to be to have a girl’s night out to catch up.  We’d share the new stuff in our lives.  The words that passed between us were full of life, our facial expressions and tone of voice added depth to our words.  During the evening together an emotional connection was made.  The warmth of that connection stayed in our hearts long after our visit was over.  It’s called making memories.

It has been some time since I sat down with the intent of writing a new thing, allowing the truth in me about my life to flow.  My life has been in flux, many changes and new realizations.  Truth can be painful, the truth about myself is much easier to ignore than embrace.  What is this truth?  Even now as it flows from me the distastefulness of owning this part of me begs leave to be heard.

I’ve been dealing with feelings of depression, anger, and the urgent desire to lash out at… what?  Will I ever allow myself to know what is driving me?  Must I continue blindly on with all this emotional confusion never knowing why?

Both my parents are now dead.  My Father passed a few months ago, my mother nearly 10 years ago.  My initial reaction is good riddance to all the badness they created.  Watching the lives of my siblings, each one so broken, yet they seem so unaware of the evil done to them.  The insidiousness of our parents’ refusal deal with their emotional issues infected each of us. Spending our formative years in constant company with these emotionally sick adults warped our perceptions making what a heathy individual would understand to be atrocious behavior a common place occurrence in our lives.  Our children and grandchildren are showing the twisted brokenness of a soul misused and abused.  Who has done this to these little ones.

The healing that has come into my life over the past 30 years has not been achieved without cost.  The biggest cost has been that of discovering or at least to some degree discovering how deep the rabbit hole of debauchery extends within my family.  I’ve also learned a few things about broken people; as long as they are comfortable in their lives, regardless how broken, they will refuse to change or acknowledge their need for change.  More often than not the pain of life must become overwhelming before we are driven to our knees or to the office of a qualified counselor.

The loss of the intimate ties of family became necessary as my healing journey has emotionally separated me from the people and environment I grew up in.  Conversation topics and daily occurrences that were once common have become unbearably distasteful.   Those who have failed to work on themselves no longer fit in my life. They are missed.

There are no easy answers or fitting tripe replies to smooth over these issues.  The loss is real.  The inability to help is frustrating.  The Serenity prayer so many have used seems fitting here but still of no real help.  Yes, I accept the thing I cannot change.  The wisdom to know the difference came years ago. The only person I can truly affect or change is me.  The changes in my life have served to irritate those who refuse to work on themselves while attracting those who have.

So why the depression and anger?  My life is good, I’ve been so blessed.  The death of my father opened a door to the past allowing a flood of its badness to wash into my life.  I’ve been awash in all the “should haves” and “could have’s”.  Time to let it all go once again, shut the door, and move on.

My healing Journey continues, part of my healing process was done when I shared my story,  Whatever Good May Come. The Book is available as an Audio, Kindle or Paperback copy.

I learned today about the death of a lady I used to know.   I have not spoken to her since I was in California after the death of my mother.  She lived across the street from my childhood home with her six children.  She did the best she could with what she had and it was enough.  Her children have all done well.   They remain a tight knit group.  She can rest in peace knowing her best has proved to be enough.

Do the best you can with what you have, and it will be enough.  This is all any of us can ever do.  We have all made regrettable choices and will likely make a few more before we are done.  The only safeguard against the long term shipwreck of life is emotional honesty.

Own your choices, good bad or just dumb, they are all yours.  Forgive yourself and be willing to extend to other erring mortals this same consideration.  Very few in life are truly evil, most are just ill informed or angry individuals needing our love and pity.

Emotional Honesty is being willing to see all sides of life, not just your own.  This is only possible when one is internally grounded.  This grounding, for me, has come from knowing the one who loves me most knows me best.  Whatever the wind blowing through my life I continue to abide safely because I am loved.  No longer tossed from pillar to post I’m grounded to the unmovable rock of ages.